Chuck Spurgeon is my Homeboy

February 29, 2008

Preliminary Disclaimer:

This is more of a tongue-in-cheek parody of the Chuck Norris fad than it is anything. This is not an attempt to make Charles Spurgeon a type of super-saint, for he was not. He was just another vessel, upon whom was bestowed mercy and grace, that God used on Earth for His own good pleasure. These so-called ‘facts’ are completely false. They are to be taken lightly and not seriously. If you take anything away from this blog, take from it a desire to read the biographies of faithful Christians “…of whom the world was not worthy.”

I did find it very funny, though.

 

• When Hyper-Calvinists go to sleep at night, they check their closets for Chuck Spurgeon.
• It was Chuck Spurgeon who wrote the book of Hebrews.
• Chuck Spurgeon is still planning his jihad on Ergun Caner & Liberty University.
• The reason the disciples of Van Armin presented the Remonstrance when they did was because they knew they would have just enough time to hide before Chuck Spurgeon was born.
• A few of the early Puritans wanted Chuck Spurgeon to come preach, but most thought he was too extreme.
• Most people breathe in and breathe out; Chuck Spurgeon breathes in and preaches out.
• Chuck Spurgeon once found Jesus in the second chapter of 1 Chronicles.
• Chuck Spurgeon once roundhouse exposited an Arminian out of John 5.40.
• Chuck Spurgeon once preached on Election and ended up converting people. That’s not a joke.
• When Chuck Spurgeon said he was born an Arminian, he was only kidding.
• Chuck Spurgeon left the Baptist Union with a roundhouse sermon.
• The last earthquake that happened in California was when Chuck Spurgeon found out that Rick Warren has a framed Spurgeon sermon on his office wall.
• The reason Word-of-Faith preachers own private jets is because they’re trying to stay away from Chuck Spurgeon.
• Chuck Spurgeon is suing several Emergent writers for the term “grace and peace” which he claims are trademarked names for his right and left arms.
• Phillip Yancey’s book Where is God When it Hurts? was written after Chuck Spurgeon got a hold of him.
• Most people breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon-dioxide; Chuck Spurgeon breathes in Law and breathes out Gospel.
• The Jesus Seminar originally planned to meet in 1901, but they didn’t convene until they were absolutely sure that Spurgeon wasn’t going to come back from the grave.
• Chuck Spurgeon once built a proto-megachurch preaching on the Doctrines of Grace. That’s not a joke.
• Chuck Spurgeon is suing Augustine for the copyrights to the doctrine of election.
• Chuck Spurgeon once gave a roundhouse expository message which knocked liberals through windows…by reading the Sword and the Trowel.
• Chuck Spurgeon didn’t die, he’s just waiting.
• The reason Calvin didn’t leave Geneva wasn’t because he took seriously Farel’s threats of Divine retribution, but because he took seriously Chuck Spurgeon’s threats of Spurgeon retribution.
• Chuck Spurgeon built the wall around Jerusalem in Nehemiah. With his eyes closed. And his hands tied around his back. With a sword in one hand and a trowel in the other.
• Chuck Spurgeon once preached on the certainty and freeness of divine grace from John 6.37 and ended up making both Arminians and Hyper-Calvinists angry. That’s not a joke either.
• Chuck Spurgeon died of over-exposure…to grace.
• Santa Claus was going for the Chuck Spurgeon look.
• The congregation of Grace Community wants Chuck Spurgeon to come preach, but John MacArthur is afraid he would take over.
• Chuck Spurgeon invented the iPod to hold all his sermons.
• Clark Pinnock was originally due to be born on February 7th, 1864, the day that Chuck Spurgeon preached on the topic of “Election no Discouragement to Seeking Souls,” but he refused to come out of his mother’s womb until he was sure the coast was clear.
• They once tried to carve Chuck Spurgeon’s face into a graven image, but the granite wasn’t hard enough for his beard. Oh; and the craftsmen were struck dead.
• Once Chuck Spurgeon and John Piper held a contest to see who had the most of the five points of Calvinism. Chuck Spurgeon won. By eight.
• Chuck Spurgeon has two settings: exposit and exhort.

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